As much as we love our dads, we don’t want to start turning into them for another 10 or 15 few years, or perhaps never for the more embarrassing dads. So, here are 10 warning signs you need to watch out for, and if you’ve already become all ten, we can no longer help you. You have now become your dad!
1. You’re fed up with new music
You’ve had it up to here with all the so-called ‘new bands’. Friends are trying to get you into them, but it’s just glorified hipster noise to you. You long for the day when people listened to ‘proper music’ like Oasis and The Strokes, and wish kids at the back of the bus would keep the ‘bloody racket down’.
You’re not arsed going to concerts, and when you’re eventually dragged to one you’ll steer clear of the pit and get yourself a nice spot to stand quietly. You’ve never heard of dubstep, nor do you have any intention of learning about it.
2. You pretend you know about cars
You’ve started watching a few episodes of Top Gear, and with these qualifications you consider yourself an amateur mechanic. When the car breaks down, you inspect it despite not having a clue what you’re doing. When someone mentions buying a particular brand of car, you laugh at them and ask them what century they’re living in and reel of some impressive sounding, but most probably wrong, statistics.
On the road, you’re king. You sneer at women’s ability to drive despite the fact that they’re statistically involved in lesser road accidents. You give out about ‘bloody’ learner drivers despite being one only a few years ago.
3. You’re making fashion flaws
You’re not wearing socks and sandals yet, but you are guilty to the odd fashion faux pas. You’re fed up with looking cool, and comfort wins every time. Skinny leg wear is for fancy pants One Direction fans, and instead, you choose a nice pair of denim jeans because they give you a comfy bit of legroom. Football jerseys are your boldest fashion statement.
Do black shoes go with blue jeans? You couldn’t care less! Am I not supposed to go double denim? Sod that you’re going triple denim! To top it off, you’ve purchased yourself a nice pair of slippers because you’re feet get a bit too cold.
4. You drink and party less
Jagerbombs have lost their appeal, and all you want is a nice cool pint, or better yet a nice hot whiskey to warm the old cobblers. Nightclubs are too bloody noisy now, and you just want to find a nice place to sit down. Instead of shouting ‘one more tune’ to the DJ you want to leave 10-minutes early so you’ll get a taxi earlier and avoid the crowds.
Or even worse: You’re not heading out with the lads because you’ve got a ‘migraine’, when in actuality you just want to sit down with a cup of tea, read the paper, and avoid any fuss.
5. You make dad jokes
What is a dad joke you ask? They’re a set of immature jokes said by ironically more mature men. You fancy yourself the next Michael McIntyre, and are compelled to make jokes at the most inappropriate moments. You haven’t made a stadium of people laugh yet, but you do know how to make people groan at a dinner table.
Hygiene is your main gag routine, as when you release gas you hilariously shout ‘get a whiff of that!’ You’ve also realised that women don’t love having jokes made about their weight and appearance, not seeing the irony that you’ve got a belly twice the size. Despite all these hilarious quips, you don’t seem to be getting the rapturous chorus of laughter you deserve, but that doesn’t deter you.
6. You’re tighter about money
You don’t carelessly spend away your money anymore, and regularly give out about the prices of pints, cigarettes and other essentials. If you can buy something on the cheap, you will. The fact that it breaks down after two days doesn’t deter you because you know fancy yourself as an amateur handyman. Which leads us on to our next warning sign.
7. You’re a DIY handyman
Not only are you an expert on cars, you’re an expert on a range of household chores. You’re a plumber, electrician, and carpenter all rolled into one. The thought of phoning up a professional to do a decent job is incomprehensible.
You’re newfound love for DIY also makes you want to solve problems that aren’t even there too. You’ve ditched the Saturday nights out so you can spend your Sunday in B&Q thinking of ways you can spruce up the garden. How about another shed? Have about 3? Sod it! Make it 4!
8. You’re behind on technology
You can’t keep up with all the countless apps coming out, and just wish you could go back to the days of playing snake on a Nokia 3210. You’re asking younger siblings how to use the Sky Remote. Your thirst for video games doesn’t stretch beyond buying the new Fifa, and at the same time, love to give out how complicated it keeps getting.
9. You no longer take care about your appearance
You’ve developed a beer belly and see it as more of a companion to your football matches at this stage. Despite being now an expert on football, you’ve decided you don’t want to play it any more, and eliminate any exercise you previously did. You’re now in the Alan Hansen punditry role where you’re prepared to comment on football, rather than play it.
10. You loathe those who do take care about their appearance
Metrosexual men like Cristiano Ronaldo are your sworn enemy! Their abs, their perfect hair, and their boyish good looks lead you in a fit of rage when they pop up on the telly screen. You long to see a defender lay into them and give them a good kicking. The notion of men using moisturiser or fake tan makes you sick to your stomach.