Women: you can’t live with them, and you can’t live without them. Well, women feel pretty much the same about us blokes, except they’re leaning more towards the ‘can live without them’ side. So, to avoid being made sleep on the couch for the next few days, here are few things you should avoid doing to annoy your woman.
1. Being unhygienic
The old nursery rhyme states that girls are made of ‘sugar and spice and everything nice’ whereas boys are made of ‘snips, snails and puppy dogs tails’. As inaccurate as this may be (as well as the accusation that puppies have their tails removed to make us blokes!), it does reflect the bad hygiene habits associated with men.
Women do everything in their power to not smell. We’re not even sure whether they do possess a bowel system. Do they poo? Science has yet to answer that great question. So, when men go around thinking they can hold off a wash for another week or so, women aren’t too pleased. They also don’t appreciate the high brow humour derived from burping and farting, and see it more as a disgusting habit. Which, really, is their loss.
2. Being sport obsessed
More and more women are taking part in the footy, but there is still a substantial lot who couldn’t give a toss about the beautiful game. They don’t see the magic of it, and want to watch the soaps instead. To them it’s just a bunch of men running around a field kicking a ball. After spending 90 minutes watching a bunch of men running around a field kicking a ball, they learn you also want to watch the post match analysis where men – who are now too old to run around a field kicking a ball – comment on the bunch of men that ran around a pitch kicking a ball.
3. Being stingy on the housework
Part of our lack of hygiene, means we also don’t care how tidy our living space is either. We’re quite happy living in squalor. We like a nice couch but don’t see the purpose of having numerous cushions decorated across it. They aren’t sturdy enough to hold beer cans either.
Coupled with this indifference towards tidiness is the fact that a lot of men still think we live in the 50s where women do the washing and the cleaning up. The times they are a changing fellas, and you will be expected to load the dishwasher, press a few buttons, and then unload it. I know it’s tough guys, but you’ll pull through!
4. Being sex obsessed
With a relationship, women want the whole emotional and companionship aspect of it too, whereas men focus on the issue of making babies – without the successful making of the baby of course! Women enjoy the whole rigmarole of getting to know each other, spending time together, and sharing mutual interests. If you don’t like the whole rom-com aspect of the relationship, and wish you could just skip to the nude scenes, you will annoy your woman.
5. Not understanding them
If she’s being unreasonable, there might be another explanation besides it just being her time of the month. Women want you to understand why they might be upset or annoyed without them having to tell you. You’re expected to be the David Blaine of relationships, basically. It’s not enough to just say you’re sorry for whatever you did, you have to know what you did too. Even if it is her time of the month, do not under any circumstances mention it. In summation: you are wrong, she is right. End of lesson.
6. Being tight with cash
Women want to be treated like royalty, whereas you couldn’t care less. Try treating her to a McDonald’s pound saver menu, and she won’t appreciate the fact that you’re getting McNuggets for next to nothing. What they do appreciate are candlelight dinners where you need to book a week in advance to get a table. The sort of restaurant that boasts about its level of high quality cuisine, but doesn’t even do chips. What is anti-pasta? Is that the evil version of pasta? You’ll just have to find out and see.
7. Commenting negatively on their appearance
It takes a brave man to say anything negative about a woman’s appearance. When women watch TV, look at a magazine, or even talk to other women, they’re constantly reminded that being over a size 2 means you’re a lard-ass. So, the last thing they want is a man who can let himself go as much as he wants, telling her she’s physically inadequate. We suggest you wear a full armour suit and ear plugs if you dare tell her she’s a tiny bit overweight.
8. Commenting positively on their appearance (in certain areas)
Women love being complimented, but not in certain areas. Keep the compliments facial gents. Say she has nice hair, nice eyes, or a nice smile, and you’re on for a winner. If the compliments venture south of the facial area then you’re in risky territory. You may think she has a ‘nice set of tits’ or a ‘cracking arse’ but these things are best kept to yourself. Women like a charming man who keeps the compliments classy and can avoid staring at her breasts while talking to her. We know it’s hard, but try.
9. Leaving the toilet seat up
The differences in our genitalia has caused this age-old conflict. Men have the luxury of being able to pee standing up, and is something we thank the good Lord for each day. Women don’t appreciate not putting down the seat, but would if they saw what it was like after peeing with the seat down.
10. Being too friendly with ‘the lads’
If you drive a distinctive barrier between ‘the lads’ and your girlfriend, this can cause havoc. Girlfriends won’t appreciate you leaving her at home in order to go down to the pub. Remember she’s sitting alone the whole night sober, and your drunken self walks in spouting nonsense. We recommend waiting ’till she goes to bed, and sleeping on the couch. If you do wake her up, you’ll probably be out there anyway.