Play 5-A-Side? Which One of These Characters Are You?

Funny Man Playing Footie

Whether playing with your mates, or playing with people you have never met, your 5-a-side football game is sure to have some of definite characters. When people grace the all-weather pitch, they imagine they’re playing a crucial Champions League cup-tie in the Nou Camp rather than actually playing with semi-overweight men punishing themselves for drinking too much beer. Sound familiar? Well, which one of these 8 players are you?

The twinkle toes

Here’s a guy who does everything in his power to show off his set of skills. We’re pretty sure his game also counts as ballet practice with some of the leg movements he pulls off. He thinks he’s Cristiano Ronaldo, so will do a whole rigmarole of oversteps while on the ball, when he could easily just pass it on to the next player. In fact, the word ‘pass’ is not even in his vocabulary and he will insist on trying to beat every single player before going for the glory himself.

So, he can look more like his beloved Cristiano, he also brings shiny football boots instead of trainers, which are ready to stab someone should they get in the way of his dangling legs. He will also be the last person to go in goals, and won’t do it until he’s told. Throughout the game, his trickery will soon take its toll. Someone will ‘accidentally’ tackle him to the ground and leave him on the ground clutching his knee. The hero behind this challenge brings us onto our next player.

The guy who takes it too seriously

This guy thinks he’s Roy Keane playing in an FA Cup final. He designates himself as team captain and screams at people for not getting back and marking their man. When a goal goes in, it’s everyone’s fault but his own. “How can you be so careless?” he’ll shout at the 16-year old younger cousin asked to come along. Rather than just letting someone run by him, he’ll take them clean out. “I’ll take the yellow card,” he thinks to himself despite there being no referee and this not being a proper game. People eventually stop listening to him after about 10 minutes.

The guy who doesn’t take it seriously enough

The self-proclaimed funny guy who only came along to crack jokes and have a laugh. Although not a professional comedian as of yet, he will make comments about people wearing anything out of the ordinary. Someone wearing too tight shorts will be told he has ‘ an arse like Kim Kardashian’. When someone boots it over the net, he’ll be the first to quip that it was a ‘great shot’. Do you see what he’s done there? His side-splitting wit is also present when someone from the other pitch fails to kick it back over when he’ll have another one-liner ready. If someone is wearing a Liverpool jersey, he’ll be sure to point out that they lost over the weekend. Anything out of the ordinary will spur on more gags in his routine. Comedy Central has yet to give him his own TV Series.

The seasoned veteran

At the grand old age of 28, this man has been worn down over the years. He used to be brilliant, and won’t let you forget that. He had trials for Aston Villa when he was 14, which was tragically cut short by him not being that good and this being an absolute lie. Because of his experience, he has designated himself to the Andrea Pirlo role where he will dictate the pace of the game. If his passes are a bit wayward, it’s only because you didn’t make a good enough run or didn’t see the genius ball he had in store for you. He will be the first to go in goal, and they he’ll volunteer more than anyone else after due to being absolutely knackered

The Duracell Bunny

While most people are just trying to burn off their beer belly, this guy is exceptionally fit. If you try run past him he’ll just follow you back. If you’ve got an open shot on goal, guess who’s there to block you? He may not be the most skilful player, but by the end of the game, when everyone else is breathing heavy, this guy will run the show. He’s definitely the person you want on your team towards the end

The deceptively good guy

When you first come along, you get a feel what all the other players are like. This guy is piling on a few pounds and doesn’t look too bothered. You reckon he shouldn’t cause too much trouble. WRONG! This guy is unbelievable and will score this brilliant goal plum out of nowhere. He was obviously fairly good back in his day and his magic touch hasn’t left him.

The deceptively terrible guy

Playing against the deceptively good player is his polar opposite: the deceptively terrible guy. This guy looks pretty fit, tall and well built. You’re delighted to have him on your team. You pass the ball over to him and he can barely control it. Everything about him tells you that he’s good, but it turns out your granny possesses a better finish. In fact, he’ll be the person constantly booting it over the net despite the goals only being 3 feet high

You feel annoyed by this, and wish he would tell the truth by possessing a beer belly and a stout figure. Turns out this guy is just filling up the numbers. They rang him up 15-minutes beforehand, and thankfully he was able to come. You wish he hadn’t bothered really.

The poacher

Because the offside rule doesn’t apply in 5-a-side, this guy will take advantage of the fact that he couldn’t be bothered defending. As a self-designated lone striker, he sees himself as a young Alan Shearer and will do the same dignified celebration after scoring each tap in. As soon as the rest of the team gets the ball back and are finished defending he screams “I’m open! I’m open!” Any time he doesn’t score was due to poor service from the other players setting him up. He will score a total of 2 out of 27 chances