Facebook is great for keeping in touch with friends and family. However, it is just as annoying as it is useful due to the types of people that use it. From the sympathy baiters to the creepy lurkers, here is our rundown of the 21 friends that we all have on Facebook:
The person having a breakdown
We’ve all got at least one of these on our friends list. Posts range from the totally normal (Looking forward to the weekend!) to the paranoid (Why does everyone hate me?!). It’s a long and slow process watching them get more and more paranoid and weird.
The insanely happy person
‘I’m so blessed to have such a wonderful family and life!’ and other such sickening posts. Always going on about how perfect their life is; you know for a fact that they probably drink themselves into an alcoholic stupor every night because their life is actually really really rubbish. You’d feel sorry for them but their posts are SO ANNOYING.
The creepy lurker
These are the people who are on Facebook but rarely post anything, whether it’s because they are too lazy or too cautious. You almost forget they are on Facebook until you meet them in the flesh and they mention something you posted. They might as well have whispered ‘I’m watching you…’ in your ear. A bit creepy.
The chronic inviter
Play this! Play that! Support my cause! How intelligent are you? What kind of animal are you? This is the person that invites EVERYONE to do EVERYTHING they do on Facebook. You get peppered with notifications from them on a daily basis and you’re nearly at breaking point. They just don’t get that YOU DON’T WANT TO PLAY!!!!!
The mysterious updates person
These are the ones that post obscure messages such as ‘If only he’d have seen what was coming’, and ‘I’ll never trust them again’. What? What are you on about? Obviously needy and wanting people to post to see if they are OK, it warms your heart when you see their status completely ignored.
The ‘I want sympathy’ baiter
Posting needy posts on an almost daily basis, they cast out their statuses like a fisherman, baited with needy and vague tales of woe, in the hope of landing concerned responses. You’re genuinely sorry for people who have bad news but these sort of posts are just self indulgent and manipulative.
The needy ‘I’m leaving Facebook’ (but never do)
Every couple of months they declare that Facebook is ‘shit’ and then make a big statement about how they’re going to delete their profile and never come back again. Obviously hoping for a load of comments begging them to stay, in reality, they quietly slip off for a couple of weeks and then are back on Facebook using it more than ever. Give it a few months and they’ll flounce off again, restarting the cycle.
The person who is always out
Nearly every day, they’re at some form of bar, restaurant or club and each weekend they’re away at some festival or other. Where the hell do they find time to go to work and where are they getting their money? Every time one of their posts comes up and their smiling into the camera in the latest swanky restaurant, you begin to question your own life as you sit there on your iPad in your sweatpants watching Eastenders.
The person who doesn’t understand their privacy settings
Brilliant for a laugh, especially if they’re a bit sad. This sort of person doesn’t understand that unless you’re pretty strict on your privacy settings, then everybody will see what they’re up to on Facebook. They join groups that reveal their rather strange sexual tastes and are constantly on Facebook dating apps, flirting with absolutely ANYONE, adding to the sense of total sadness that they create.
The person who posts EVERYTHING they do EVER
You know EVERYTHING about this person. You know what time they got up, what they had for breakfast and which person they fancy on BBC Breakfast News. Each and every thought they have in their head they have to post on Facebook and let the world know. Sometimes, your newsfeed is entirely composed on their banal and uninteresting posts. You’d delete them but there is something strangely fascinating in such boring updates.
The Facebook friend that you have no idea who they are
They added you a few years ago and you’ve got loads of friends in common, but you still have absolutely no idea who they are. You’re pretty sure you didn’t go to school with her, and you’re sure you’ve never worked with her. Was she a one-night stand that you’ve completely forgotten about? You keep her as a friend in case you really do know her from somewhere and don’t want to offend!
The fitness poster
This person posts every bit of fitness activity they do on Facebook. Every run, every cycle and it’s all there logged in terms of time and distance. They think people are genuinely interested in their fitness regime, whereas most people just think they are a bit of a pr*&k and hope they get knocked off their bike one day. You know you’re secretly just jealous and it’s because every time they post one of their runs it’s one more reminder that you’re totally unfit and getting fatter by the day.
The chain letter devotee
This is the person on your timeline who posts a heady mix of chain letter style posts. From doom laden ‘If you don’t post this, you’ll have seven years bad luck’ kind of posts to sickly sweet ‘Like this is you love your kids’ posts. They are unbelievably annoying. Usually a friend of your mum’s or a distant relative, you only accepted them as a friend out of politeness. Now you regret it big-time.
The couple profile
You used to go to school with Adam but he now seems to be called Adam and Natalie. This is because he shares his Facebook profile with his girlfriend. How cute! Well, that’s what they want you to say. It’s not about a couple being ‘one’, it’s about them having a completely fake relationship that is built upon distrust, because obviously one of them doesn’t trust the other to have a Facebook profile of their own.
The TMI person – Too Much Information
‘I’ve been wondering what the itching was from; apparently I’ve got a yeast infection, according to the doctor. OMG! How embarrassing, I forgot to shave before going!’ These are the people who don’t mind sharing every little intimate detail of their lives, and you read their statuses with a sense of dread. When you meet these people in real life and you actually feel embarrassed because you know things about them that you just shouldn’t and YOU CANNOT FORGET THEM!
It’s never a good idea to remain friends with an ex on Facebook but sometimes you just have to. The fact that they’re a bit mental is always a bit scary, as is the fact she’s got a hold on you. Remember that sexual fantasy you shared with her? Unfriend her or upset her, she’s going to tell EVERYBODY.
The emergency mate
We’ve all got one. They are the friend that you contact when you really fancy going out for a beer but none of your regular friends are available. They’re usually a bit boring but OK enough for a bit of company while you have a few beers. Have you ever been contacted by an old mate you’ve not seen for ages? Yes? You’re their emergency mate. Bet that makes you feel really good, doesn’t it?
The ‘my child is a genius’ person
This person, usually female posts every little thing that their little girl or boy does. What level they are reading at, what they’ve built on Minecraft and what they’ve just drawn. They post these updates wanting the inevitable ‘Isn’t he/she so clever!’ responses, but there is a darker, more serious motive. These status updates are really just passive aggressive statements saying ‘My child is better than yours’!
Just as you are settling down with your microwave meal or last night’s leftovers, the foodie always posts pictures of their latest culinary creation, which is a million times better than what you are eating. Even when they have something simple like bacon and eggs, it looks just so damn good!
The fraped is the sort of person who continually leaves himself or herself logged into Facebook and leaves their phone around in front of their mates that can’t resist posting funny statuses on their behalf. They are usually a bit thick because they never learn and it keeps on happening. We think they do it on purpose.
You’ve enjoyed a good night out with the lads and the next minute you find pictures of your drunken self-plastered over Facebook. These are the sorts of people who just cannot stop taking photos, and you’d appreciate it they’d actually have asked your permission before posting that picture of you mooning.
Now the real question is, which one is the most annoying?