What They Should Have Taught You In School But Didn’t

School teaches you a lot of useful material. Reading, writing, maths, et cetera. But most of it, if we’re completely honest, is completely useless in the real world, isn’t it? When was the last time that you used Algebra, were asked about the causes of the Great Depression or have had to identify the differences between Igneous, Metamorphic and Sedimentary rocks? Below we take a look at the stuff schools should have taught us about, but didn’t.

How to take a bra off without fumbling

cheeky man removing woman's bra

There’s nothing more awkward than when you can’t get a girl’s bra off. They should have had mannequins in school with every conceivable make and model of bra on so you could practice and master the art of taking one off. You might have even been able to master the one-handed ‘pinch’.

How to put together flat pack furniture

frustrated man building flat pack furniture

There’s no official statistics on this, but it’s safe to say that assembling flat pack furniture takes years off of your life – both in the actual time spent trying to put the bloody things up, and the toll it takes on you in terms of stress. We spent our time learning about the Quadratic Formula, when we really should have been putting wardrobes up. Now, that would be a useful lesson.

How to not look like a man who knows nothing about fashion

1960s styled man

Like most men, you probably actually have no idea about fashion. You might experiment a bit in your late teens, but you soon realised that trying to be at the cutting edge of fashion often ends up with you looking like a bit of a dick. It would have been nice to have had some pointers to avoid those embarrassing moments.

How to cook like a boss

Day old pizza

Not the rubbish they teach you at school, but proper cooking. You know, like can you warm up last nights takeaway pizza or is it best to eat it cold?

How to break up with your crazy ex-girlfriend

Crazy ex girlfriend

If only you could have been taught how to break up with someone properly, you might not have been stuck in that relationship with the psycho girlfriend you were too scared to leave, and now you’re living in the very north of Scotland under an assumed identity in constant fear.

How to hide your dodgy Internet activity

Man watching sketchy content

If your girlfriend is Internet savvy, you can guarantee that one day curiosity will get the better of her and she will check your browsing history. Sure she’ll find you looking at the football results and some online shopping, but we’d hazard a guess she’s going to find a fair few porn sites in there, as well. If only you’d have been taught how to hide your online activity, you could browse for porn in complete safety.

How to chat up a woman with results

Guy chatting to girl

It would be ace to be able just to walk up to a beautiful looking woman, chat to her and within the blink of an eye she’s off back to your place. Of course, in reality, chatting up a woman consists of getting tanked up with your mates and then drunkenly trying to pull a minger at 3am because you’re desperate and anything will do. School teaches you all about the sex part, but nothing about how to actually get a woman. It’s just cruel, really.

How to bust a move

Man busting a move

It might be over thirty years old, but the moonwalk is still the wickedest dance move going, and if you can do one, then the women are going to come flocking. In fact, how to dance in general would have been good. Every man has made a complete fool of himself on the dance floor at some point or another. How much better would it have been if you’d have been able to bust some serious moves?

How to play a musical instrument

Vintage Les paul guitar

Not being able to play a musical instrument is one of the biggest regrets that most people have. They do teach people music in school, but in general, it’s really rubbish instruments like the recorder. Even the schools that teach the guitar teach on boring acoustics. How much better would it be if you’d have been taught to rock out on a Gibson Les Paul or Fender Stratocaster?

How to impress a crowd with a magic trick

young magician

We’re not talking something like David Copperfield making the Statue of Liberty disappear, or even some of David Blaine’s stunts. No, we’re talking about that kind of cool street magic that Blaine and Dynamo do. The sort of magic you can do with coins or cards, or anything else that’s easy to carry and doesn’t require a host of props and a pair of twins. There’s something uber cool about this sort of magic, and women love it. But, alas, instead we got to learn about ox-bow lakes and Charles I in school.

How to not be shite with money

Credit Card

Chances are you have a credit card and that you owe quite a bit of money on it and regret ever applying for it in the first place. Whilst you were sat there drawing a banana in art, or calculating the circumference of a circle in maths, your time would have been much better spent learning what interest rates were and how credit cards can bring complete misery.

How to win a fight and look like a badass

Two men punching eachother

Women say they don’t like violence, but go to any boxing or MMA show and you’ll find loads of women there. So, when it all kicks off in the pub and that great big thug threatens you and your girl, you probably think she wants you to sneak off out of there, turning away from violence. But secretly, she’d like you to stand up to him, punch him in the face and walk out of the pub head held high.

 How to appreciate fine wines

Red & White Wine Bar

Whether you’re into your wine or you prefer a pint of Stella, there is no denying that a good knowledge of wine is pretty damn cool. We’ve all been there when we’ve taken a girl to a fancy restaurant and had to bluff our way through the wine list. Imagine if you’d have been taught the difference between a Pinotage and a Merlot, or a Pinot Noir and a Cabernet Sauvignon? And imagine how fun it would be drinking in school…

How to tell a joke

Man telling woman joke

Some people are naturally funny, but some people just can’t tell a joke to save their lives. If you’re in the latter category, wouldn’t you have loved being taught how to dole out a barrage of one liners? If you’re not blessed in the looks department, then making a woman laugh can be one of the best ways to chat them up. Just look at Steve Coogan and Russell Brand.

How to hypnotise people

hypnotism clock

It would be great to be able to hypnotise people, wouldn’t it? Get them to do things you want, get stuff for free, et cetera. Not in a rapey way though – that would just be plain weird. And, wrong! It would be great fun though making unsuspecting people run around like chickens or making them dance like buffoons in public.

How to understand that exams aren’t the be all and end all

scantron

At school, it was drummed into you that exams were everything. If you didn’t pass them with top marks, then ultimately your life is over and you’ll struggle to find a job. The reality is though that for most people, exams haven’t played a big factor in their life at all. Of course, you need them to be a doctor and for most professional jobs, but think of all the successful people in life who don’t have a degree, such as Bill Gates or Alan Sugar.