‘So what’ll it be?’ Your answer to this question at the bar will say a lot about you: who you are as a person, what your financial situation is, and also what state your liver is in. With a wide variety of booze available, we’ve narrowed it down to 10 types of drinkers you’ll find at your local bar or club or abandoned field. So, what are you having?
1. Cheap beer
You’re either not too fussy about your drink, broke, or a combination of the two. Your choice of beverage is decided by the price of your beverage alone. You feel you get an extra kick from the extra bitter taste you get from it, and can’t quite point your finger on what ingredient they’re using for that peculiar taste (nor do you want to know). You scour the shopping aisles, searching and searching for some fantastically cheap beer you have never heard of and cannot pronounce. But £5 for 12 cans? If it doesn’t end up killing you, it’s definitely a bargain!
2. Premium beers
You’re not too fussy about what you drink, but are a step above the gentleman who enjoys cheap booze. You’d rather drink something you’re comfortable drinking, and has a label that you recognise – even it costs an extra few quid. You either enjoy the taste of beer, or else have just bought into all the advertising that assures it isn’t just fermented urine. You’re a man who likes to pace yourself when drinking, get a few beers down you, and see how it goes.
3. Coke
We live in a society where if you don’t drink alcohol on a night out, people will try to diagnose what psychological condition you have. You’ve either had bad experiences with alcohol or just plain don’t like it in the first place. People are very suspicious of you, and the spotlight will be well and truly on you when you order it at a bar. Chances are the barman thinks you have a hip flask of vodka hidden under your jacket. Just what exactly are you up to? What’s your game?
4. Cocktails
You’re the cosmopolitan man: you have a bit extra to spend, and want to show that you’re better than everyone else in beverage form. You’ll flash the cash for glorified vodka and juice that’s half-filled up with ice and given a fancy umbrella. You like the bartender to have a circus show prepared for you while putting the various juices into your drink. If he doesn’t somersault the raspberry juice before pouring it in, you ask to see the manager and make an official complaint.
5. Vodka and mixer
You’re an impatient person. You want to get pissed as soon as possible. You’ve drunk it so often that it doesn’t taste like floor polish to you anymore. The vodka drinker can be from any financial background, as vodka can range from Grey Goose (£35 a bottle) to Tesco Value (£11 a bottle). Both Grey Goose and our beloved Tesco Value vodka drinkers don’t like the grogginess of beer. They’ll find that they drink quite faster than their fellow beer drinkers, and will soon pay the price later on in the night. But they won’t remember a thing the next morning so they’ll continue drinking their beloved vodka.
6. Whiskey
You’re an old man trapped in a young man’s body. Or, you want to get pissed really quickly and don’t like the taste of vodka. Like vodka, the strong kick you get from whiskey also requires getting used to. Hennessy whiskey is unusual as it’s a favourite drinker is harder to define. Sure, old Irish men enjoy drinking it, but so do gangster rappers, Nas and Kendrick Lamar. What these two distinct groups have in common (and I’m presuming is the only thing they have in common) is they like a drink with a good kick and a classy feel.
7. Jagerbomb
Vodka is for impatient drinkers, but it takes a special type of person to do Jagerbombs.You’ve decided to drink a combination of Jagermeister (where the alcohol slows down your heart rate) and Red Bull (where the caffeine speeds up your heart rate). You’re not the most health conscious person ever, and do not care how you behave on the night. If you end up on the dance floor ripping your shirt off, you are the Incredible Hulk for that brief moment, but then go back to being a drunken state and sleepy soon after.
8. Craft beer
You’re the hipster of drinkers. You drink Budweiser, but not the one everyone knows about. You drink the original Budweiser Burgenbrau, the original beer that gave birth to the premium beer that is now far too mainstream for you. The beer you drink also has a big long boring story about how it came about, and you’re anxious to let everyone know about it. How they make it, and combine the hops and barley is equally fascinating. Yawn!
9. Buckfast
As the old saying goes; Buckfast gets you f**ked fast. We’re not going to lie. Buckfast drinkers scare us. It’s a cheap drink that contains 15% alcohol and as much caffeine in each bottle as 8 cans of coke. It’s so regularly reported in crime cases that Police in Scotland tried to specifically ban Buckfast in the hope that crime would go down. You’re not the classiest of individuals and just like to down a bit of Bucky that will get you sorted for the night. You’re not a wine connoisseur and want to get wasted pretty quickly.
10. Wine connoisseur
You’re no longer the party animal you once were or still are and see wine tastings and dinner parties as an excuse to get pissed as you get older. There’s a level of sophistication to yourself, as you actually care how your drink tastes. You want to give the impression that you’re a member of the aristocracy, but actually just bought a bottle of Prosecco in Tesco for 10 pounds. When drinking wine, this means you’ve got some cash to splash, and you only go to trendy upmarket bars. You would not like to be introduced to our friend above who drinks Buckfast.