There are certain things we just don’t talk about. Not because we don’t care—but because we don’t know how. Talking to our parents about what they want when they die? That’s probably at the top of the list.
Most of us are happy to chat with our dads about football, politics, the price of pints. We’ll argue over who was the better striker or which hedge trimmer’s worth the money. But ask him what kind of funeral he wants? What songs he’d want played? Whether he even has a will? That conversation never happens. It’s awkward, it’s heavy, and frankly, it feels a bit morbid.
But here’s the uncomfortable truth: if you’d step in to carry the weight when something happens, you should step up and have the talk before it does.
It’s Not Just Sentimental—It’s Sensible
Nobody likes thinking about death. Especially not the death of a parent. It feels wrong. Like we’re jinxing something. But when that moment comes—and it will—there’s nothing worse than not knowing what they wanted.
Too many of us get left to figure it out on the fly. One sibling thinks Dad would’ve wanted cremation. Another is certain he said he wanted to be buried. Nobody knows where the will is—or if there even is one. Arguments happen. Regrets settle in. And suddenly you’re planning one of the most personal moments of someone’s life with nothing but guesswork.
It’s not about ticking boxes. It’s about making sure they’re treated with the respect they wanted, and that you’re not left scrambling in the middle of grief trying to play detective.
Men and the Myth of Silence
Let’s be honest: men are terrible at this kind of conversation. We’re raised to be strong, silent, and ‘get on with it’. We don’t ask. We don’t pry. We wait until we’re needed—and then we act.
But this is one of those moments where not acting is the problem.
There’s this unspoken idea that talking about death is emotional, maybe even a bit dramatic. But here’s the thing: it’s one of the most practical conversations you’ll ever have. It’s not about being emotional—it’s about being responsible.
And responsibility is something we do talk about. It’s something we live by. We sort insurance. We fix boilers. We back up hard drives. Why? Because it’s better to be prepared than caught short.
Same logic applies here.
How to Have the Conversation Without Making It Weird
You don’t need a candlelit dinner and a heartfelt speech. This isn’t a Hollywood moment. In fact, the best way to do it is how men talk best—side by side, not face to face. In the car. During a walk. Over a pint. While sorting out something else entirely.
You’re not sitting them down to deliver bad news. You’re just opening the door. Try something like:
- “You know, I’ve never actually asked—do you already have plans for your funeral when the time comes?”
- “Do you and Mum have wills sorted? Just wondering in case anything ever happened.”
- “I was reading something the other day about power of attorney—have you thought about that stuff?”
You’re not being morbid. You’re showing up. You’re making sure their wishes are heard while they can be heard.
It doesn’t all have to happen in one chat either. Think of it as a series of check-ins, not one heavy summit. You might find that once the door’s open, they’ve been thinking about this stuff already—but didn’t want to bring it up either.
What You Need to Cover
If you’re going to do this properly, here are the key things worth asking about—either directly or over time:
- Do they have a will? And if so, where is it? Who’s the executor?
- Funeral preferences. Burial or cremation? Religious or not? Music, readings, even what they want people to wear.
- Medical wishes. If they were seriously ill, what kind of care would they want—or refuse?
- Power of attorney. Have they appointed anyone to make decisions if they can’t?
- Digital legacy. Sounds niche, but who knows the passwords? Who can access accounts and photos?
You don’t need all the answers today. But asking the questions is a start.
It’s About Them—and You
Here’s something that often gets missed in this conversation: it’s not just about respecting their wishes. It’s about making life easier for you, too.
When someone dies without a will or any clear guidance, it’s not just a grief issue—it’s a logistical nightmare. Bank accounts get locked. Probate gets messy. People fall out. And those who are left behind carry not just the grief but the stress of trying to guess what their loved one wanted.
You’re doing yourself a favour by having the chat. You’re making the road ahead that little bit smoother when the time comes. And maybe, just maybe, you’ll get to talk to your parents about how they feel about these things while they’re still here. That matters.
Don’t Wait Until It’s Too Late
There’s never a perfect time. And if you keep waiting for one, it’ll never come. We’re all guilty of thinking we’ll deal with it “someday.” But then a diagnosis hits. Or an accident happens. And suddenly it’s too late to ask the questions that now feel urgent.
So start before it’s urgent.
Don’t wait until they’re ill. Don’t wait until they’ve slowed down. Do it while they’re still themselves—still sharp, still able to laugh about it, still able to tell you what they don’t want with complete clarity.
This isn’t about being morbid. It’s about being a grown-up.
As men, we pride ourselves on stepping up when it counts. But real strength doesn’t wait for a crisis. It prepares for one.
Having the conversation about death doesn’t make it happen. It just means you’re ready when it does. It means your parents know they’ll be honoured the way they want. And it means you won’t be left guessing when the time comes.
So have the conversation. Even if it feels uncomfortable. Especially if it does.
Because if you love them enough to carry the weight after they’re gone, you should love them enough to ask what they want while they’re still here.