It happens to all of us. Our girlfriends say one thing, but we know they actually mean something entirely different.
When your mate is pissed at you, you’ll know it, cause he’ll smack you upside the head or punch you in the face, but with women it’s never as cut and dry. For instance, you took the last slice of pizza, cause she said you could have it. But, is that what she really meant? Most likely not.
They’re a strange breed, women, and whilst we don’t completely understand them, we do our best to try to read in between the lines.
Here are four different scenarios that will very likely happen to you at some point in your life. We list what your girlfriend will say, what she actually means, and how you should respond… If you want to keep your balls in tact, that is.
Scenario 1 – The “How do I look?” dilemma
Your other half has been getting dressed to go out for some time. It’s getting late and you’ve been ready for over an hour. She emerges from the bedroom.
What She Says: “Does this outfit look ok?”
Translation: “Tell me I look ok. I feel like crap. This is the 40th thing I’ve pulled out of my wardrobe and it’s the only thing that doesn’t make me look A. Pregnant, B. Like my mother or C. Like my mother, but pregnant.”
Your Response: “You look amazing!” (Even if she doesn’t. Even if she does actually look just like her mother, but pregnant. Just say it, gosh darnit. It’s your best chance of ever actually making it out of the house… alive!)
Scenario 2 – Giving her control of the remote
The telly’s on, you’re both getting ready for a night sprawled on the couch and you have the remote control. She suddenly pipes up that it’s time for Corrie/Eastenders/Emmerdale/something incredibly dull on ITV.
What She Says: “Ohhh, but you wanted to watch something else, didn’t you? It’s okay. I don’t mind; I’ll watch my soap on catch-up.”
Translation: “I want to watch my soap. Don’t you DARE watch anything else, because if you do, I’ll sulk and then talk incessantly or make disparaging comments ALL the way through. DON’T. YOU. DARE.”
Your Response: “That’s ok. It’ll be on again. Watch your soap. Would you like me to make you a cup of tea?” (Anything else is suicidal).
Scenario 3 – Dinner after a long, stressful day of work
You’re both just in from work, it’s been raining. She’s wet through, looks tired and is limping slightly from her work-shoes. If you’re observant, you may see a little crease starting in the middle of her forehead.
What She Says: “And I haven’t even thought about what to make for tea yet…”
Translation: “Go and buy takeaway. I’m not cooking. Or, you cook…I don’t really care, but I am NOT going in that kitchen, unless it’s to refill my glass of wine.”
Your Response: “You sit down, darling, and I’ll order a pizza.” (She’d probably moan if you tried to cook and made a total mess, so best to cut your losses and order in).
Scenario 4 – She says she’s “fine” after a disagreement
There has been a disagreement about something trivial. Maybe a discussion on where to go at the weekend has become a little heated. Five-minutes has passed and you look up suddenly to see that your other half’s face looks less than calm and happy, which is odd, because you were pretty sure you’d reached an agreement and you were booked to see Boxtrolls. You ask if she’s ok…
What She Says: “Don’t worry. I’m fine!”
Translation: “Worry hugely. I’m NOT fine.”
Your Response: Any response is going to be met with volcanic fury by this point. Shield your vulnerable areas with cushions, cover your head with your hands, and throw yourself face down whispering prayers or softly saying ‘sorry’ over and over again.
Disclaimer: These phrases are intended as a guide only. We accept NO responsibility for acts of sulking, intense silence and/or threats of violence resulting from its misuse.
And, best of luck, mate. You’re going to need it.