Are you tired of your girlfriend? Sick of her constant nagging? Or maybe you just don’t fancy her anymore? If you want to break up with your girlfriend, it isn’t always that easy to do. If you’ve not got the balls just to come out and say it to her, then it’s time to do it the cowardly way. Get her to break up with you. Here’s what you do:
Cheat
Do we really need to suggest this? If you haven’t considered this as a tactic already then you really need to take a good look at yourself because it’s so obvious! It’s a great way to get out of your current relationship because it’s clean and quick with no messy long withdrawals, and you get to have a bit of fun doing it! It’s almost a win/win situation, unless you get the other girl pregnant and she’s a bigger nightmare than the one you’ve just got rid of. Or if you don’t have the balls, you can just hide some Victoria’s Secret pants in your drawer and pretend.
Take a keen interest in her diet
Nice and subtle this one, but very effective. Everything she eats, just say with raised eyebrows: ‘Oh, are you having that?’ In a restaurant, say: ‘You’ll be wanting a salad, won’t you?’ Don’t go too overboard or you’ll destroy her self-esteem and you’ll be stuck with her clinging on forever more, but just keep infuriating her like this and she’ll soon be on her way. Speed it up by giving her a playful nickname like ‘Jelly Bum’.
Be annoyingly uncool
Start saying ‘dude’ after everything you say. When something’s great it’s ‘cosmic!’ and when you want to sit down, you’re actually ‘chillaxin’. Shake your hand in the air and say ‘gangsta’ at random points of the day and instead of laughing simply say ‘ROFL.’ She won’t be able to bear it.
Pretend you’re gay
Next time you hear your girlfriend’s car pull up outside your pad, quickly get some gay porn on your TV and make sure it’s on LOUD. Strut round your flat as naked as the day you were born and be visibly trying to pleasure yourself as you go. Your girlfriend will surely leave and never, ever return, unless she’s really odd and sees changing your sexuality as a ‘challenge’. This tactic has the capacity to go very wrong, especially if it’s your parents that walk in, or even worse, your mates.
Always compare her to your mum
Everything she does, and we mean everything, should be compared to how your mum does it. ‘You should do it that way; that’s how my mum does it’. There’s nothing worse than being compared to your boyfriend’s mum, so the more you do it, the closer to the exit you’ll be driving her. If you really want to get rid of her, next time your mum has a clear out for the charity shop offer to take it all there yourself. Take the clothes back to your place and say ‘My mum’s getting rid of some clothes, I thought some of these might suit you’. She will HATE you.
Suggest you go dogging
Why not suggest to your girlfriend that you both go out for the evening, and tell her it’s a surprise. Then, after she’s all dressed up, drive out to the country and park in a secluded car park. She’ll think you’ve prepared some sort of romantic evening picnic. Then, simply lead her to that little clearing where you’ve heard doggers congregate. Watch the doggers delight when they see a new couple and your girlfriend’s sheer horror that you could even consider she’d be into this. She’ll never want to see you again.
Start wearing her clothes
Does your girlfriend always complain that you’re not close enough to her and don’t pay her enough attention? Freak her out big time by actually starting to pretend to be her. Make sure she walks in on you wearing her favourite clothes. Tell her that you love her so much that you actually want to be her. This should freak her out big style. Shout ‘Can I keep your black mini dress?’ as she storms out just to make sure she’s sufficiently annoyed.
Lose all sense of personal hygiene
Girls think all boys are dirty, and they hate seeing men being unhygienic. Use this to your advantage. Is she always telling you about leaving toilet seat up? Then leave it down and pee all over it. Even better, if she has a sink in her bedroom, pee in that in the night, because you ‘can’t be bothered walking all the way to the toilet’. Make sure that she knows you never wash your hands and she will never want to go near you ever again.
Become a ‘feeder’
Ever seen those massively fat women in America who can’t get out of bed because they’re just too big? For some reason, some men find these women unbelievably sexy. Freak your other half out by letting her think you are one. Leave your laptop open for her to find you’ve been looking at ‘obesity porn’. Then, start buying KFC Bargain Buckets for her. Every. Single. Day. She’ll be out of there before you can say ‘Colonel Sanders’.
Become obsessed with her sister
Has she got a fit sister? Even if she’s not that fit, sisters are always jealous of each other in some ways, so play on this by becoming obsessed with her sister. Ask if ‘Emma’ is coming round every day, compliment her on how she looks when she does come round and when you’re girlfriend asks for your opinion on what to wear, always say something like ‘it looks really nice, nearly as good as when I saw Emma wearing something similar the other day’.
See more of your mates
Invite your mates round, not just occasionally, but every night of the week. Your house is now known as party central and if your girlfriend doesn’t like it, tough! If she starts to retaliate by suggesting you go out more, agree, but ten minutes before you are due to meet her, text her and tell her that you’re having the lads round to watch the footy. She’ll get the message soon enough and leave you.
Cry after sex
Want to really freak her out? Every time you have sex, start crying afterwards. Begin with a gentle weep into the pillow, gradually rising to a crescendo of anguished yelps. First time you do this, she may put her arm round you and ask if you are alright. By about the third time you do this, she’ll be packing her bags and heading for the exit.
Be stingy
It’s her birthday? That means a present from the 24-hour garage. Having a meal out? Oh, dear, you’ve forgotten your card. Continued Scrooge-like behaviour will be infuriating, especially when combined with spending loads of money on yourself.
And if you still can’t get rid of her?
Join the French Foreign Legion.
